Grief, Gratitude, and Happiness

Inspired by:
The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Francis Weller
Shawn Achor, Secrets of Happy People - SuperSoul Conversations podcast
A New and Ancient Story: the Podcast, Charles Eisenstein

In listening to Charles' podcast, Episode 4 with Francis Weller really struck a nerve, and I wanted to hear more, so I listed to his book. Here are some of the key points:

• Francis relays the story of our human history. For a vast majority of our evolution, humans lived in villages. These villages served a critical role in our mental health through social support. Francis experienced the heart-opening benefits of village life first hand in Africa. He saw everyone at dusk come out to the commons and share about their day, and all the nursing children could nurse from any mother. They were a tight community.
• Village life across the world includes rituals to process all the important facets and milestones in life. Death and grieving are not exception. Because everyone knew one another, the entire village would grieve. The rituals around grief are key to processing this emotion fully so the energy of the "e-motion" can move through us and not fester as a shadow, later to emerge in an unhealthy way.
• We don't just grieve over the death of our loved ones. We grieve for the environment, animals, climate change, extinctions, divorces, the demise of other cultures, poverty, human suffering, unfulfilled dreams, unborn children, politics, child abductions, etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and one and before we realize it, it becomes very clear that YES, we do need a way to process all of this!!  How has this not occurred to us before!!?? Grief is not just sadness, it also surfaces as Anger, Shame, Invulnerability, and Coldness/disconnection. This grief is clogging our energy channels, weighing us down (grief and gravity have the same linguistic roots), and making us numb to the actual joy in life! As it turns out, when we recognize and attend to our grief, and allow ourselves to process our grief through a grief ritual, we feel lighter and happier. We must find the time to carve out space for this processing in our lives and then allow for periodic maintenance. His reference section has a few suggested rituals to try. 
• It becomes evident that soooooo much of our "modern" society leaves us at a significant disadvantage without our village. And this grief for our village is reflected by skyrocketing suicide and addiction rates. He talks about needing to have Amnesia and Anesthesia to survive today. That alone is a huge heartbreak to grieve. Anesthesia includes not just drugs and alcohol, but also TV, eating, shopping, and any other distraction to entertain us vs. living a full life. He explains "primary satisfaction" that came from life in the village and our social interactions perhaps like our core family and friends today. However, most of our time today is filled with "secondary satisfaction" that are not sustaining happiness - they are the short-term distractions listed above plus "earning a living" versus seeing our true purpose fulfilled as an integral part of the village. It's as though we have turned over our soul for money. And on the flip side it explains why the advice to find your passion and find a way to "make money doing it" would be a more sustainable way to live life. Humans need social connection and to see that their labor is of value and contributing to society as a whole.  
• Francis says that Grief and Gratitude go hand in hand, are the two sides of the same coin, are the keys to balance in life. I happened on the Oprah podcast with Shawn Achor this morning and listened closely to see if grief was mentioned. Although it was not, gratitude is key in both philosophies. Shawn, who developed and teaches Harvard's most popular class "Happiness,"  mentioned these few steps, which sounds like "tips and tricks," but are really important and have been measured scientifically to significantly increase happiness in as little as 21 days: 
• Two minutes per day list of NEW things you are grateful for
• Two minute per day, type an email to someone thanking them (even better call or in person)
• Two minutes visualize a meaningful event from the day. Focus, feel, gratitude. 
• Meditation and exercise (even for minimum periods of time) are effective at improving happiness. Mindful breathing for 2 min., exercise for 15 min. 
• He also mentions: 
• Happiness is a choice, even people who have been pessimists for 8 decades, can do these things and move to low-grade optimists. 
• Happiness is contagious 
• Happiness doesn't come as a result of success, success is more likely when we are happy first. Our society needs to redefine what we consider happiness to be. "Joy is what we feel when we are striving to fulfill our full potential."
• Francis' book has a resource section where he offers a few simple ideas for doing our own grief rituals. He mentions the importance of silencing the mind, solo reflection, but conversely the importance of being able to share our experiences, and deep listening without offering advice to validate the experiences of others. His rituals include using the earth (stones, water, land) to ground us and process our feelings. Drumming is also a common element. Interesting that when people come together to share in a deeply personal and moving ceremony such as this, they form deep bonds. Charles referenced on the podcast that he cannot do more than a few retreats a year because every time they disband, it feels like a break up. Francis mentions Pema Chodron and Buddha a few times.  
• Francis' book is poetic. Even though I summarize it here, it's still a wonderfully deep and thoughtful work of art to be experienced. I may even re-listen to it again just so it can all seek in deeper and I can add more here. As I listened to it, even though I was not actually doing any of the work, I was feeling the gravity of the process, thinking of some of my own grief, beginning to scratch the surface of that grief, and already feeling a little lighter. I even turned away from several of my normal numbing practices on Saturday night to listen more. 
• His book has inspired me 1) obviously to document the key points so I can share it, 2) figure out how to apply to myself as well as Hunter as I believe much of the anger he experiences is born from unprocessed grief including the loss of his life as he knew it when his brother was born, especially because I was so stressed, and he must have felt blamed and shamed for so much... and 3) Get my Soul Sistas together in a circle to begin to share and process some of grief. Try out a couple of the grieving rituals. Francis emphasizes that Community/Village is key. We are so blessed to have a group already forming. He also reiterates that there is a maintenance component, so periodic rejuvenation through this process is key. I've looked into his offerings, but the upcoming ones are sold out (fast) and only have capacity for about 35 people, so it could be many of the same people returning again and again. One idea that I had was to do some of the ceremony at the beach. It could also work on a hike.